...smashing, kicking, flogging and disabling all forms of mediocrity and fakeness....
This phrase above came from a Wordpress blog profile Jeff never used. I have never seen this profile before now. I found it while looking over some of my old blogs yesterday evening. He had left a comment on an old blog topic that I'd never seen.
This hurt my heart when I read those words. I have no doubt he had been treated this way as a child, literally, at least in some form or fashion. I say that because of things he hinted at while alive. His behavior makes sense when you look at this - emotionally abusive and later physically aggressive. I believe in retrospect he punished himself alot emotionally. He did not know this wasn't God's way. He did not see God as the loving Father that He is because his earthly father was all he had to compare a father too. He could not see that he was punishing himself as his earthly father had. He was very angry deep down. Angry and afraid, like a small boy. Angry at himself and others, afraid of himself and others more than I knew. He hated himself I believe. He was fake in his own way, which I believe he knew so he just hated himself more. **This was all part of his other self or his split soul as Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud call it.
I can't change the past but I will tell you I wish he had accepted help. I know God wanted to help him and I know others did too. I am so glad that despite these things, he still had good days and the real Jeff was good and he knew Jesus. The real Jeff is with Jesus and this anger, hatred and torment is gone. When I see him again, there will be no hint that this nature, this other self, ever existed and for that reason, I can smile.
Sharing my heart,
**You can read more about the concept of the split soul in Dr. John Townsend's and Dr. Henry Cloud's Boundaries book series.
**For more on my experience with this in general please see my book The Road Less Traveled: A Story of Love, Hope, Pain and Everything In Between.