Hello everyone! I hope you are staying safe and keeping an eye on at risk loved ones. The year 2020 will be one for the history books. Yet, I have found not all things pandemic have been doom and gloom. In fact, some things in my life in these past two months have been necessary. The silence and distance have allowed me to do something very important - confront my unbelief. Whether you are a Christian or not a Christian, dealing with lies and unbelief is paramount if we are to heal. This pandemic gave me the time and the space to allow Jesus to do more delving into the deep places of my heart. This week has been especially pivotal to confronting unbelief in my life, and it all started with a dream.
Early this past Sunday morning I woke to a what I thought was a strange dream but one that really got my attention. I remember it vividly. I saw a man in my dream I thought I recognized, only he was not as I remember him. He was in his right mind, kind, and gentle. I was, however, uncharacteristically, unkind to him. I screamed at him and walked away a short distance away with my arms folded and a mad look on my face. He walked over to me and in this dream, he hugged me tight and he wrote on my forehead in red, I Love You. He told me he always would love me, no matter what. I was stunned and stared. I woke up. I laid there somewhat still stunned and I was not even sure why. Tears gather in my eyes as I write this. I tried to dismiss this as “just a dream” all day but I never could. On Monday, I woke up and thought of it again. Again, I dismissed it. All day long I thought of it (Jesus can be relentless yet gentle). On Monday afternoon on my way home from work, he began to show me what that dream meant for me. He would again show me something just today as I pen this blog. It has been indeed a week of confronting unbelief and the lies that laid the foundation in my heart. Keep reading.
Jesus talks to me a lot when I am driving. So, Monday afternoon he began to reveal to me the mystery of my dream. The man represented a man who would love me the way Jesus intended him to love me and his actions represented a man after God’s own heart. Afterall, God never stops loving us, no matter how much we act out. I had spent several of the last few years, at least, believing that there was not a man out there who could love me in the way God intended him to. I had accepted the lie I could not have a good marriage and it turned into a personal belief. Not only did I not believe this man did not exist, I had accepted the lie that God was not capable of putting him in my life - another lie that turned into a personal belief. I call this the “God can’t” lie. Those who know me may find this surprising or even shocking, but you cannot see into the deep places of my heart, only He can. I do not think I was consciously aware of these lies or beliefs until now. Jesus let me chew on that a few days, and the story continues.
I was driving to work again yesterday morning, and Jesus began again (because I was ready), taking me back to the person in the dream I interacted with. So apparently readers, I not only did not believe I could have a good marriage and have a loving man; I also believed that some people could not change, even if Jesus changed them! Yes, this had been my thought process deep down I am sorry to say. I had accepted the lie that “certain people” could not change, yet I was not even the one changing them! The Lord showed me how prideful I had been. I believe that is why the person in my dream was one I recognized; one I would think could not change. I was stunned at the level of pride He had found in my heart. I was also stunned at how it stayed below the level of my conscious mind. This is why lies and unbelief are so dangerous. I have talked before about how lies can be so engrained in us, they become a part of us. This week’s revelations of pride, unbelief and lies are the best examples I can give you of that phenomenon of the heart.
Basically, for the last 6 years, maybe more, I had been believing lies and not believing Who Jesus was and what He could do. I have also been hurting people. I had not done it consciously, but unconsciously. Those who know me, you would have never known. This revelation has explained some of my thought patterns and behavior towards some people. It was time to repent, not just for my unbelief but for my pride! I pray for opportunity to reconcile with these people and for the words to articulate the why.
I cannot describe how free I feel now! Jesus set my heart free this week - free to know that I can be loved and even freer to love others that I could not love well before! I am so happy I want to cry as I write this! Now, let me tell you the truth as I know (that I know that I know) now: Jesus is more than capable of changing any heart that turns to Him! He is more than capable of freeing anyone that turns to Him. He is more than capable of bringing a man into my life who will love me as He intended and be a partner! I can have a good marriage because He is with me! There is nothing He cannot do! He can delve into the deep places and set you free from things you do not even know were there! You can be free! You can love and be loved! You have nothing to lose but fear, pride, lies and pain. I think you can afford to lose those things to gain freedom, don’t you? Test Him and see for yourself!