Updated: Apr 30
Hello everyone! I will say first of all, if you haven’t read Gay Girl, Good God by Jackie Hill-Perry, please do so (yes, I’m three years late to the party, sorry Jackie!). I am almost finished, and I can say with all certainty that Jesus is at work in hearts and especially in mine. In reading her and her now-husband Preston’s story, the Lord showed me a place in my heart I had not given him regarding relationships with men. Just when we think we have it all figured out and we’re all healed, Jesus will show us a place we haven’t given to him. I implore you to read their story and let the Light shine into darkness. Now, to the matter at hand.
The truth is for a while now, the thought of being loved by a God Man (an actually good, loving, Jesus-filled man) has both frightened and enraged me. I know for those that know me that seems impossible to comprehend but it is the truth. I didn’t see it though for what it was until I read those pages of her book last night (Chapter 12, pages 71-73 to be exact). Many times, we never see the pain closest to us nor the hardness of heart. And hardness of heart was where I would be heading if I kept rage and fear hidden.
You may be asking yourself why rage? Why fear?
Abusive and using relationships bring with them fear and/or rage. The fear and/or rage of the abuser themselves as well as your own fear and rage. Abuse breeds mistrust, hatred for self, fear and hatred of the abuser, and rage at not being able to stop the abuse or see the situation for what it is. Abusers tend to leave you feeling empty and alone which again breeds fear and rage – fear of being used again, rage for not seeing them as a user as well as anger at yourself for allowing yourself to be used. I buried this fear and rage deep in my heart so I wouldn’t have to see them or deal with them for a time. But Jesus. Jesus sees everything and still loves me. He has been slowly peeling back the layers of yuck, pain, and darkness and shining his Light into my heart for the last 3 years. **If not for more recent revelations of the heart, I don’t think I would have been able to see my rage and fear for what it is and what is represented to me.
My fear and rage at men has been based in a lie and an unbelief. The lie being “All men will “love” like the abuser and the user (this is not real love), they are all the same. What is the point?” The unbelief being that I couldn’t trust God with what He was doing in me. That’s pretty hopeless, isn’t it? Not much hope in God’s man or any man for that matter with that belief held in one’s heart is there? Might as well just keep on being mad and afraid and being used at this rate huh? Do you see how destructive this belief system is? This warped belief system was a recipe for disaster that would punish any man to come for the sins of another. The problem is that is what I had honestly believed until about 11:30 pm this past Tuesday night (yes you can know Jesus and love Jesus and believe bold-faced lies about yourself or others just as you can if you don’t know Him). This had already caused enough havoc in my life. I never saw the lie or the unbelief for what it was because fear and rage hid it from me. Emotions can serve us well or they can serve us poorly. These emotions served to cover up a belief that simply was not true. This lie, this unbelief (warped belief system), was the root of the problem. It’s like feeling something without knowing why, you just know it’s there and it is informing your heart and mind in ways that don’t make you 100% at peace or produce very destructive tendencies, or worse both. These feelings and this lie (and unbelief) had me questioning my worth for so long! Looking back, this explains many of my past choices, even as I pen this blog. When emotions do this to you and you can’t pin down a reason, watch out. Those emotions are destructive, and they are usually covering up something destructive (unbelief, lies, pain) you haven’t let the King deal with in you.
I was a sobbing, blubbery mess Tuesday night but I was finally free of the rage and the fear! I was finally free of the lie and the unbelief! I can’t tell you the weight that was lifted off, a weight I did not know I had carried for so long. God is so good! Please don’t deceive yourself and think you have everything figured out about you. You don’t, I apparently hadn’t either. Only He knows you and loves you as you are and loves the person you will become. Only He can give you your true self and your true identity. If you leave your identity up to other people or things or emotions, you will deal with the same issues I’ve dealt with in relationships and how I see myself – nothing comes of that but pain, fear, and rage. I don’t want that for you! I don’t think you want that for you either.
There is only one way to deal with our faulty belief systems, identities, destructive emotions, and the lies we believe. We have to take them to the King. We have to sit with the King. We have to consider that maybe we don’t know everything there is to know about ourselves and our lives. We have to consider we’ve been created for higher purposes than our own minds can imagine. Yes, this can be a scary thing to do. And no, it won’t always be comfortable or feel good. I’m at the point in my life where I’d rather be free than feel good or be comfortable. What about you? What do you need to bring to the King? In Isaiah 1:18 the Lord beckons us “Come let us now reason together…” Will you come?
Freedom is on the other side of the hard things. Sit with the One who knows you better than you know yourself. Go after your freedom and live with purpose, not pain!
** If you want to read more about my recent revelations, check out my blog Revelations of the Heart!