I don’t know if it is the holiday season or it was just time for me to finish processing this from my marriage. **For those of you that have read my book or follow my blogs, you know my late husband took his life four and a half years ago. He left a lot unsaid and much undone. He also left me with a lot unsaid. I began to realize yesterday as I was driving back from Memphis that it was time to process those things and for me that means to write them down. I talked to God about this yesterday and I feel a peace about sharing this with the world. I hope it will help someone who also may feel they never got a chance to say what they needed or wanted to say to a loved one. Take nothing for granted! I also want all of you to know that one day, we will see our loved ones again and we will get to hug them and talk to them as long as we like. Heaven will be a wonderful place!
All the Things I Never Got to Say
I am writing you this letter because I know it is time. I know you will never read it now but it helps me to pen it here. I know Jesus can talk to you anytime and tell you my heart so I will leave that to Him. There are a lot of things I did not get to say to you that night or any night since then. I have forgiven you for so many things. In fact, I wrote them all down on paper. I tore the paper up to symbolize my forgiveness toward you because I couldn’t tell you I forgive you.
I’ll start with that, I forgive you! I never got to tell you so I’m telling you now. I understand what happened to you and I understand why you did the things you did and said the things you said. It was not you. It was pain so deep and dark you didn’t want anyone to see it. I can only imagine what you went through as a young man. Jesus saw it, if only you had given your pain to Him on this side of Heaven – much would have been different. I forgive you for not understanding that. I don’t think I wrote that on my papers before so here it is, I forgive you!
I never got to say I wanted to help you. I never got to tell you so I’m telling you now. I would have moved Heaven and Earth to get you the help you needed but you would not let me. I would have gone to counseling and with you, helped you with medication, and helped you be accountable. You did not know how to let me help you. You did not know how to ask for help. You did not know how to let anyone help you and I know why now. I am not angry with you for that and I forgive you!
I never got to say how much joy and fun we had in the good times. I never got to ask you to hold on for a while longer so we could find that again. I never got to tell you so I’m telling you now. I know you did your best and I know you held on as long as you could. I know why travel was so important to you and I know why you enjoyed being anywhere but alone with your thoughts. I understand now baby! I forgive you for not holding on and I know you are with the One who healed you. When I see you again, we won’t remember any of this and for that I am very glad!
I never got to tell you how much I loved the time I got to spend with you, even though it was so short! The good days were really good. I never got to tell you so I’m telling you now. I know you struggled with the monster inside of you. We had so many good times! I don’t ever want you to forget that! I hope in Heaven that is what you do remember when you think of me. I know the monster and the pain could not follow you into the Light. I am thankful Jesus is faithful!
I never got to tell you how much you meant to so many people! You were admired, looked up to, and loved by many. I never got to tell you so I’m telling you now. We love you still! We will all see you again one day!
I never got to say I love you one last time. I never got to tell you so I’m telling you now. I did love you, I tried to love you. I know now you could not receive that love or give love like you wanted to – too much pain was in the way. I have long since forgiven you for that but I’ll say it again – I forgive you! I love you!
With much love,
** If you would like to know more about my story, please see my book The Road Less Traveled: A Story of Love, Pain, Hope and Everything In-Between. You can find it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, iTunes and Audible.com