Today’s blog is the culmination of everything the Lord has brought forward into the light for me from the deep places of my heart. I hope to convey one message to you today: you are loved and accepted by Jesus no matter what others think of you or do to you. Their opinion changes nothing for you. They also can’t change Jesus’ opinion of you which is that of one beloved.
Allow me once again to set the stage.
As young girl, I was smart and excelled in school. I wasn’t considered the most attractive girl, but I also did not believe myself to be ugly. My male peers, for the most part, aside from being my friends, ignored me where romantic notions were concerned. I didn’t go on many dates until I was out of high school and in college. Even in college, I was largely passed over. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not angry with any of these guys. I was honestly more interested in finishing my education and excelling in my career then I was in dating or even marrying. However, the “passing over” and rejection I received from my male peers at a very young age solidified a lie in the deep places of my heart that I didn’t consciously recognize until recently – the idea that I was not good enough to be loved. I’m going to admit this is one the hardest blogs I’ve ever had to write. Growing up in church means we’re supposed to have it together, right? Growing up in a loving home on the right side of the tracks means we’re not supposed to have any problems, right? Well guess what? None of that means anything. Lies are tricky and they come to deceive you no matter how much or how little you go to church and no matter how you grow up.
Several years before I married, I dated a man with a porn addiction. Although after I ended that relationship, I did try to understand why he chose porn over me, I did see his actions again reinforcing the lie that I was not good enough to be loved. When I did marry in my mid-thirties, I married a man who could not love me because of his own internal demons, although he tried. When he took his life, there I was rejected and even worse abandoned. This further solidified the lie that I was not good enough to be loved. I tried dating about 3 years after my late husband passed away. Those men were not good for me either and were fighting their own battles. They could not love me either. Once again, this reinforced the lie. During and after these relationships, my weight yoyoed. I now believe this was attached to the deep hurt and rejection I had not given to Jesus. I believe rejection and the lie of “not good enough” played a role in the fact that I had been a people-pleaser from a very young age. I also believe these lies had a part in who I chose to date and marry. I am not saying I am responsible for any abuse or mistreatment. I am saying I was choosing certain men because I was believing a lie.
Now what you ask? Now I know Whose and Who I am. I know that Jesus loves me and accepts me no matter what others thing of me. He will never reject me, even if they do! He will never find me unattractive – I am the apple of His eye and his Little Lamb. When I realized these truths, I was set free from years of bondage and lies! I could lament and deal with emotions I had not been able to deal with before. Guess what? I don’t have to eat to fill an empty hole anymore either! I have never been more free! With this freedom, I know I have value and worth far beyond anything on this planet. With that understanding, I can choose better friends and a better partner. I know I don’t have to put up with evil because I know I am worth more to Jesus than all the diamonds in this world! He has always seen me as worthy, beautiful, valuable and most of all loveable!
I put the past behind me, and I march into the future He has for me in writing, work, life, and relationships. I can choose a good man who will love me like Jesus does. I can choose a man who will partner with me. I can choose friends who love me and who will walk this road with me no matter our differences. I am loveable and I am worthy of love because Jesus made me worthy! I am not rejected, I am accepted! I am not ugly; I am beautiful because he says I am! I don’t have to be a certain size or weight to be loved! I don’t have to lose weight for other people! I don’t have to please people! He has turned my mourning into joy and my despair into peace! God is so good!
I have written about the many things Jesus has uncovered that are related to rejection and “not being good enough” over the last two months. I encourage you to go back and read those blogs. I am always amazed at what can hide in the deepest places of the heart. I want everyone who reads my books and blogs to experience the freedom I have! I want no stone unturned to get you there! Do not be afraid! Your freedom is on the other side of your fear. Come out into the Light! He is calling!
Walking in love and freedom I can’t help but share with you,