Examining Myself and Honest Conversations
Hello everyone! The book in the blog photo is a book of prayers I have been reading recently. I know I have said before I don't like the word "widow" but that is beside the point here.
I wanted to highlight this book by Margaret Nyman because in the last week it has helped me to examine something within myself I have not to this point, openly admitted. I am sure "the examination" is not complete.
One of her prayers, or honest conversations with God, is about how at a time in her journey, she wanted to die so she could be with her husband again. She did not want to take her life, she just wanted to go to sleep and wake up and see him in Heaven. It was not until I read those pages and looked closely at my own heart that I finally admitted to myself that shortly after Jeff's death I too had wanted to die. I didn't want to take my own life. I just wanted to fall asleep and wake up in Heaven just as she had wished. I just wanted to say "I love you" one last time. I wanted to hug him one last time. I wanted to hold his hand one last time. You see, he had died alone. Of all the things that have bothered me about the circumstances surrounding his death, this has hurt me the most. I have had some honest conversations with God of my own about this very thing. I am comforted to know Jeff is not alone now and he is happier than he has ever been. And no, I do not want to die, I want to live and live an abundant life and do the things God has for me now in this new life!
I say this to encourage all of you to have those honest conversations with God. He loves you and he can take it, I promise you that. He is the best listener ever!
I want to thank author Margaret Nyman for pouring her heart in this book for those of us with the same experience. If you have been "singled" by the death of your husband, I would encourage you to pick up this book for yourself and allow her words to help you heal.
Continuing honest conversations with God and myself,