I know today's blog has a strange title. I never thought such a blog title would adequately describe what has happened in my head and heart until this week.
I went to look at a home on Tuesday evening. I didn't know what I was going to do when I left there. I knew I needed to pray. This is odd for me because I've usuallly known what I'm going to do when I look at a house. I was unsettled.
Later that evening I was praying and thinking about this house, you know the usual, to offer or not to offer. As I was doing this, a very sad, unsettling thought occured to me. I was missing Jeff and wishing he was here to do this with me. Then I got mad and started to cry (I cry when I'm mad, sad, or frustrated. It just releases the emotional pressure). I was angry because he had left me to do this alone and to shoulder the responsibility alone. Then I was sad again because he was not here to see this process and I just missed my friend. Talk about whirlwind, overwhelming emotion! I guess that had been buried, deep down and I was just now getting to that part of the "onion." I laid on my bed and cried and prayed and let it out. I went to bed tired and woke up tired the next day.
Grief, even though you don't recognize it as such at the time, has a way of doing that to you. I think I was still a bit mad when I drove to work. I was finally allowing myself to feel something I didn't want to feel. It was time to pray and give that to God.
So here is the truth in all of this. I miss my husband some days, the friend and the good in him that there was. I don't like that he is not here to see this. However, he won't ever be here to do this or see this happen for me. That was his choice. No, I honestly did not expect looking at houses to bring this to the surface but then again I think we sometimes push things down emotionally when we know they will hurt. Just as I talked about in my earlier blog about grieving and letting go of the good and the bad, this good expectation is something I have to let go of now. I will not have a house with him, not ever.
I will make a home for myself as I have before. One day, I hope to share a home with another man. I'll leave that up to God. I decided not to make an offer on that home I looked at Tuesday, I didn't have a peace about it. The right home will come, I know it will because God has a perfect plan. I choose to trust Him, not just in my house looking, but in the uncovering of what I believe to be the last layers of the "onion"; the things that perhaps I have hidden within my heart so I didn't have to feel them right away. I honestly thought I'd never say that - that I would hide anything, but I believe I have until now.
I feel better today and I have a peace. I will continue my house hunting and find the home God has for me in His perfect time. In fact, my realtor has set me up with my very own listserv so I can see what she sees. How awesome is that?! And in that home I make for myself, I will honor the past and present.
Until next time,