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  • Elizabeth Billingsley

Coming to Terms With Myself- I am not Ashamed


Hello everyone!

This has been an interesting week of introspection and heart work. I am so very thankful because God is so good!  This week and really over the past few weeks, I have come to terms with myself. I've come to terms with some bad personal decisions of my past. God had no part in them, it was all me. I will explain what I mean by this statement, keep reading. I have also come to realize that there is no shame in bad decisions or things we allowed into our lives; God is not mad and He never stopped loving me or you.  Looking back, I find it a bit comical that I thought God was a part of my bad decisions. He doesn't make bad decisions and he would never ask us to. I believe now I simply wanted Him to sanction what I was choosing so it made me feel better at the time for ignoring the obvious. I have two personal examples I will write about today. First, I loved my late husband Jeff, however in retrospect, I had no business with the man and certainly no business marrying him. He was not sent from God, that was all me liking the idea of being married. I do believe Jeff wanted to be connected to people and wanted help and did not know how to ask for it. I believe now he was hoping a marriage would once again fix his emotional and heart issues that only God could fix. I do not in any way blame him for this. I also do not believe my love for him was wasted. However, that does not negate the fact that this marriage was a bad decision. I had multiple warning signs and ignored them. I was honestly trying to be the “fixer” only God could be in his life and that is why that marriage failed for both of us, that and of course his untimely death. The Lord has shown me that I don’t have to be ashamed of any of this. He still loved me regardless of my bad decision. He still loved Jeff regardless of his bad decisions. He is not and never was mad at me or Jeff. I made a bad decision, we all do. Jeff in his own right made a bad decision. Bad decisions happen people because we choose them but that does not mean God throws us away. Hear me! Last year from a place of hurt, I made two more bad decisions by dating two men I had no business with at all. I was feeling abandoned, something I had not let God deal with from my late husband’s death and abuse. As a result, I dated men that were not his best for me. Honestly, this was not fair to them either. I do not hold any ill will towards these men at all nor do I believe they are evil. They are just not for me, they never were for me. They could not point me to God because he was not first and foremost in their lives. I don’t blame them for this as that is where they are in their lives. God had nothing to do with them entering my life, that was all me. When those two dating relationships failed, I was hurled back into depression. God showed me this earlier this year and he walked me through that time. He also showed me they were not his picks, they were mine. However, he never stopped loving me and He was not mad at me. Once again, He did not throw me away. I don’t have to be ashamed of these decisions! Is this making sense? Our bad decisions are not the end for us, they are only the beginning of something new and good! Our bad decisions can move us into the greatest part of our lives, into the greatest part of the story God is writing for us! He never stops writing our story, no matter what we say or do! He does not throw us away, I can’t say that enough! It was in coming to terms with myself, my bad decisions and my shame that He has set me free! Don’t hide in the dark, there is only more shame and brokenness there – come out into the light of His love and let him heal you! Make peace with yourself and with your bad decisions and let Him move you forward. I can assure I know only good things are coming for me and a weight as dropped from me that I could not carry! God is indeed good and in Him there is no shame! Come to terms with your past but do not let it define your future! Let go of your shame and walk in the freedom only He can give you! I will assure you, you will never be the same again! He will do for you what He has done for me! Walking in His freedom, Elizabeth  


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