Today, I want to remind us to remember those we have loved and lost. I also want toremind us that we must face the difficult things that come after difficult relationships, decisions, or situations in our lives. We must speak and acknowledge them out loud and give them to Jesus so that He can heal the deep places of our hearts. This past weekend I had another one of those moments of deep heart healing. I am so very thankful! Jesus is so very good! I want to share these things with you so that you may know life and live it as it is supposed to be lived – in freedom.
I had a very candid conversation with God about my late husband Saturday evening. I was remembering yet I was also saying some things out loud that I had never said to anyone else let alone myself or God. I had always wondered if Jeff had perhaps been born with cognitive issues and learning disabilities. I knew he had been physically, verbally and mentally abused by his father growing up – all of which can affect a child’s learning and cognitive abilities. I had also wondered if his parents even wanted him as they were quite a bit older when he came along. All of these issues put together set him up for not only a rough childhood but adulthood as well. They set him on his own self-destructive path of pain, abuse, undealt with mental illness, and eventually death. I cried about this for an hour and told God for the first time how I really felt about it. I’m not so sure this wasn’t the first time I really let myself feel all the emotions. I had definitely thought of these things before but not really dealt with my emotions. I believe in the past few years I had turned to other things to deal with some of my emotions instead of just feeling them and taking them to Jesus. Ah the things we believe we don’t have to deal with – or we convince ourselves it is just not that big deal! I had neglected these things in an attempt to move on with my life. Oh I moved on alright, but I moved on in pain. The Lord has shown me several times over the last few months why I have done some of the things I have done in my life as well as over the last few years – it all points to a common thread – not dealing with my pain. I have let the wrong people in because of not dealing with my pain. I have made some less than stellar decisions because of not dealing with my pain. The Lord has peeled back the layers of my heart like never before in the last year– from the beginning of my pain many years ago until now. It all makes sense now. I see how the pain connected and rooted itself in my heart because it remained unchecked, unchallenged, and unspoken for so long. But Jesus!
This may sound strange to you but He was there with me on Saturday night as I said all the things I’d never said and felt the things I’d never felt. He’s been with me for a year as He’s unpacked the deep places of my heart for the first time in my life. I’ve had many cleansing cries, including Saturday. I’ve written many blogs over these past months to share my story with you. I’ve repented a lot. He’s given me a chance to reconcile many things with those around me. I believe He will give me more opportunities. I realize not all people will want to reconcile and that is okay, I must let them have their choice as well. I want to reconcile all the relationships that I can in this lifetime as people will allow me. He has given me so much freedom and I want to share that with those I have wronged in the past due to wrong thinking, faulty beliefs, and just being hurt. If you are reading this, and I have hurt you in any way, I am truly sorry! I was wrong and I was hurt! I had no right to hurt you. I ask for your forgiveness. I want to hear from you if that is you!
I hope my words today give you renewed hope that you too can be free of your pain and walk in that freedom! We can all change as long as we live! Jesus is ready and available to meet you right where you are! You don’t have to hide in the shadows, His light has come to set you free! He or she who the Son sets free is free indeed! (John 8:36).
Isaiah 61:1 (Jesus did this for you); The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and commissioned me, to bring good news to the humble and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up [the wounds of] the brokenhearted, to proclaim release [from confinement and condemnation] to the [physical and spiritual] captives and freedom to prisoners…