
Hello everyone! I've had this blog written on my tablet for two weeks now – much like I had the one about our bodies as temples a few weeks ago. I have been processing several things at once these last several weeks, and I've had to take a few steps back and adjust my focus personally and with relationships. As you can see from the title, this blog is a confession and, it is also more than a confession. I never want to state a problem without also coming to some conclusions about the solution. I hope you will find I have done both in this writing. I will begin with my confession.
I don't know how else to say or write this other than to state it plainly: I don't know what to do with a good man. I don't know how to take him nor how to be with him. I'll let you re-read that and let it set for a minute.
I want to know how to be with a good man, and I don't know how. This is actually terrifying and a relief at the same time to have identified this in my life. I've spent so much time chasing the wrong men, I have zero ideas how to be with the right man. I don't know what to do with or even how to take a man that wants to provide and can provide for me. I don't know what to do with or how to take a man who wants to love me and can love me. I don't know what to do with or how to take a man who gives me space to be myself and trusts my calling. I don't know what to do with or even how to take a man that wants to partner with me. I don't know what to do with or how to take a man that keeps his word. I don't know what to do with or how to take a man who wants to be kind to me because he cares for me. I don't even know how to trust a good man. All of this is a big problem. Many men have not shown me, except my dad, brother, and two guy friends I am not interested in romantically, that they can be trusted or are safe for me. My late husband could not show up for me emotionally or safely. My last marriage was over 90% miserable. This honestly breaks my heart. This is the first time I have admitted this to myself about my marriage and the quandary I find myself in at the moment. I have only seen the twisted versions of men through the eyes of my own co-dependency, their porn and sex addictions, my other addictions, and abuse.
Cue the good friend when we need them. Such a friend questioned my motive as to why I felt the need to prove I was worthy of love. She asked me, "Why does God's daughter, Warrior Elizabeth, have to prove anything to anyone?" Ouch! That cut me to the heart, and yet I am thankful she asked me. This exposed an unhealthy motive! Why do I want to do that - prove I am worthy, valued, and lovable? Do I want power and control to feel better about myself? Do I want power because evil has been exerted over me in the past? Am I still trying to prove my worth and value to the wrong people and calling it something else? I thank God for a good friend who was willing to speak the truth to me and ask me the hard questions. Truth can be hard – facing our motives even harder. The question my friend posed as well as facing myself brought me to these scriptures:
Song of Songs 2:4 (NIV) says, “He brought me to his banqueting table and His banner over me is love.”
Psalm 23:5a says (NIV) “He sets a table before me in the presence of my enemies (those who do not love me).....
I want to ask three questions based on the passages above. If Jesus sets a banqueting table for us (our life, purpose, calling), do you think there would be crumbs on that table or do you believe there would be the choicest of food? What would “crumbs” look like at the table of life? If Love is Jesus' standard, would He allow a counterfeit to sit at the table He has set out for us? I believe that there are no crumbs at the tables Jesus presents to us, only the choicest foods (e.g., love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, worth, value, and identity). I believe “crumbs” (e.g., fear, control, hate, abuse, lust, etc.) are anything that take the place of the choicest foods I just described or anyone who uses these vices to try and steal our choicest foods from us. “Crumbs” do not come from the King. I also believe Jesus would never let counterfeit love sit at His table. Counterfeits are not welcome nor do they come from the King. The question then becomes this: If Jesus only offers us the choicest foods I described, and neither “crumbs” nor counterfeits come from Jesus nor would be welcomed by Jesus; why would I take “crumbs” from someone who does not recognize my value or worth? Why would I run myself ragged trying to prove anything to such a person? The revelation I now have is this: I have run myself ragged my entire life trying to prove I was worthy of love and value, especially to men. I have fallen all over myself trying to prove how lovable, worthy, and valuable I am to them by doing what they want to please them so I can get the love I think I need. I have taken pathetic crumbs instead of choicest foods in the process. I have been mesmerized and seduced by counterfeit love instead of the real love a good man can offer. This revelation has rocked my core and set me free. I have so much to unlearn and learn anew in the coming year!
My new goal for this next year is to learn how to take, what to do with, and how to be with a good man. The sick cycle carrousel of people pleasing and trying to prove my worth and value is over. I know that letting go of the past and trust in my King are a big part of this learning curve. The other part of this is the good man himself demonstrating love, care, provision, trust, kindness, and partnership. I will be stepping back and looking at my beliefs about myself and relationships as well as looking at who I have chosen and why with my therapy group. I will be focusing on my physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and financial health needs in the coming year. I believe a good man deserves a good woman who is healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I will take feedback from trusted friends, family, and my therapy group; allowing them to challenge my beliefs. I am opening my hands and letting go, what is meant to stay will stay, what is meant to go will go. Most importantly, this will mean trusting and resting in my King to know who is best for me. After all, His man will be good. He will love, care, provide, and partner with me without me having to run myself ragged trying to prove I'm lovable nor give up who I am in the process. I don't want to miss the choicest food for the “crumbs”!
I will leave you with two questions. Who sits at life's table in your world? Who are you trying to prove your value and worth to that does not deserve your energy or time?
It's time to clean the table!
Cleaning my table,
Elizabeth
So powerful! As always you speak about real and relevant issues. I hope and pray you get what you deserve as soon as humanly possible but at our Lord’s pace of course🙏🏽. It is time to observe and clean our table (consistently and constantly)! I must pass and share this with my friends and loved ones (especially my kiddos). Thanks for sharing/posting!