Hello everyone! If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know that the revelations just keep coming. I realized about a week ago that I have tried to be in control all my life - in control of other people, their emotions, their expectations, and many different life situations. I've tried to control people and their feelings when it came to their acceptance, their love, whether they liked me, their presence, and even when they abandoned me altogether. I have even tried to control God. I wanted Him to do what I wanted Him to do instead of doing what He had purposed for me to do. I let people abuse me because I was desperately trying to control whether they loved, liked, or accepted me. I let people control and use me so I could control their perception of me. I thought I had control. I thought I had the upper hand. Clarity is much more sobering. I was never really in control – we were all out of control. In fact, I had been practicing a lack of self-control in many areas for a long time be it in relationships, with money, food, etc. Fear was a constant companion because where there is a desire to control and no self-control, fear abounds. I had been a mess emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually for so long and now I knew why.
One of the first things I wanted to know was where did this come from and where did I learn this idea that I needed to control everything and everyone. I learned this from my mom at an early age. She would stew on things and people trying to figure out how to “fix” or “change” (e.g., control) the situation and them. She would also stew about things to me in conversations. I thought this was normal. I love her and she didn't know any better. In adulthood, I've stewed a lot when people would abandon me, stewing on them forever as if stewing was going to bring them back. It never did. Friends, this is Co-Dependency 101. I have also recently learned I am an Enneagram 8 – A Challenger. Challenger's naturally have control and power issues – Surprise! Surprise!
Both the learned behavior in childhood and adolescence and my personality type explain my "spirals" out of control throughout my life. When I could not control people or situations in my own way, I would lose control to cope! I know that makes no sense but it was a fear reaction to losing control. I spent out of control. I had anxious attachment to men all the time. I felt like they had to constantly be engaging me. I was trying to control their acceptance, their like and their love for me by controlling their time. I chased people and situations trying to control the outcomes. I have a been a go-between in relationships more times than I can count instead of letting people work out their issues. I gave people head space (e.g., energy and time) as a means to attempt to control my emotions and them vicariously. All of this control on top of the poor coping mechanisms made life a lot harder and messier than it had to be for me! Well guess what? 2024 is a new year, and I have come to conclusions and made firm decisions!
First, people are going to do what they are going to do. They are going to make decisions about their lives and do what they want. I am going to let them do them. I can't control them nor do I want to anymore. I am going to give my energy and time (aka head space) to my purpose and calling, not to other people's purposes, callings or drama. I have surrendered my mind and heart to the King in all things.
Secondly, I am done with three things: trying to control other people and situations, chasing passions that don't belong to me, and financing everything and everyone's passion but my own purpose and passions. Stick a fork in me done! I am taking 2024 and beyond to invest in my passions and purpose and to learn and practice self-control. After all, I am the only person I can control. I repented and am in the process of giving up this notion of total control. I have been working on this these last few weeks intensely. I can tell you that the peace has been amazing. I feel like something has fallen off of my shoulders and a weight has been set down, finally. These last few months have been very freeing months for me in so many ways. I thank the Lord that he chased me down the proverbial hill, the wayward “sheep” heading full tilt for the ravine. Not only did he chase me, He caught me. By the way, He can run faster than you can - no matter where you are running to or who or what you are running from in this life. I am so thankful for his love, his faithfulness, his steadfastness, his mercy, his freedom, and his goodness! I am going to do what Jesus has purposed for me to do. My body, mind, and purpose belong to the King. Along the way, He will bring into my life those who are supposed to be there. I know who ultimately accepts me, loves me, and won't abandon me no matter what - His name is Jesus, and that is all that matters to me anymore. Co-dependency and everything that goes along with it no longer has any part of my life, my heart, or my mind. That time in my life is over for good. I am okay with people who don't like this new version of me. I'm not out to control their perspective of me, and I certainly will not be controlled by them. I fully understand now that I am not for everyone and everyone will not like me or want to be around me. I am okay if they don't like me nor want anything I have to offer. I am free. Are you ready to be free too?
I will close with two scriptures, one I was reading the other day and one from a dear friend who is a great encourager. Let go my friends, be free, and never go back!
Hebrews 12:1b TPT; So we must let go of every wound that has pierced us and the sin we so easily fall into.
Gal 5:1 TPT; At last we have freedom, for Christ has set us free! We must always cherish this truth and firmly refuse to go back into the bondage of our past.
Love,
Elizabeth