Avoidance. I wish I could tell you I had used avoidance to work good in my life but I'd be lying if I did. I defined avoidance in my intro blog as: the act or practice of keeping away from or withdrawing from something undesirable. I used avoidance so I did not have to experience negative feelings such as anger or rejection. I used avoidance to not see red flags in others. I used avoidance to “overlook” harm done to me or said to me. I used avoidance so I didn't have to look at myself and take responsibility for adding to my own suffering. I used avoidance to pretend the root lie (and all the other ones it fed) in my life didn't exist.
For those who are just catching up to this series, let me restate the root lie or core belief I once held: “Well, your dad isn't around much so he must not love you. You will never be loved if your dad doesn't love you. You will never be loved so, you will have to do things to get love (even if you don't want to do them)."
Who would not want to avoid thinking about such a terrible perceived reality, especially at the age of 6 and 7 years old? I hated myself, in fact I loathed myself! To avoid hating myself, I avoided thinking about this lie and I avoided my feelings. I avoided thinking about how bad people treated me because it reminded me about how bad I supposedly was as a person and how unlovable I supposedly was to them. I filled my life with bad habits, everything from overspending, to giving away my body broken men, to biting and picking at my fingers, to food and exercise addictions, and then to marry an abusive man – all to avoid my feelings, my responsibility to and for myself, and to avoid the lie I believed. Do you see the viscous cycle here? Each thing I did to avoid the real problem(e.g., the root lie), further reinforced the lie when it didn't work (of course it wasn't going to work). None of the things I filled my life with worked to help me heal or feel better. The only thing missing in my self-destructive arsenal of quick fixes was drugs and alcohol. The only thing missing from the consequences for my actions aside form debt, depression, and chronic health issues was a sexually transmitted disease! I can only imagine where I'd be 10 years from now if I had not had a revelation about the cycle within my co-dependency! I can promise you one thing and I believe this for myself as well so take it as the warning it is intended to be; if you keep playing with fire, it is not a matter of if you will be burned, you will be burned. Perhaps burned so badly things will never return to the way they once were in your life. This is not a gamble I am willing to stake my physical, emotional, mental or spiritual health on, today or any day, not anymore.
I want to list some things we absolutely can't avoid if we want to heal from co-dependency and frankly from any trauma:
1) Our feelings and adult/childhood traumas – no matter how sad, frightening, uncomfortable or confusing. What you suppress, avoid, or keep as the “family secret” will eventually erupt and it will not be good for you or anyone else around you! You are not responsible for your parents, their mistakes, nor their sins! If you are the parent, you are not responsible for your grown kids mistakes nor their sins! You are not responsible nor at fault for your abusive spouse! Deal with the gigantic Elephant in room that is so big you can't breathe or live!
2) Our role in our own suffering – we all play our part, no matter how hard that is to admit to ourselves. Our choices have the power to give life or death. Our attitudes have the power to give life or death. What and who we allow in your lives has the power of life and death in not just our lives, but the lives of our loved ones too.
3) Our core beliefs and/or lies we believe about ourselves and others – these begin in childhood and are shaped by our environments and the adults in our lives as kids. Not everything that parent, aunt, uncle, grandpa or grandma said was true about you. Many times they were telling you only what they knew, not what was right or true. Not everything your spouse, friend, or co-worker said about you is true! They may have been jealous and/or not truly on your side. Every thought you have is not from your brain! There are those who would seek to destroy you and whether you believe it or not, they are not of this world (Ephesians 6:12, 1 Peter 5:8, Revelation 12:9).
I won't be avoiding bad or negative feelings anymore. I won't be avoiding the rejection of those who aren't good for me – reject me please! I am actively working through core beliefs and lies I've believed. I won't be avoiding hard conversations or saying what I need to say to set boundaries firmly and compassionately. I will not avoid telling the truth, even when it is hard for me to say and the other person to hear – I have a few friends who can attest to this fact. I have been actively facing my role in my own suffering in the past and present. None of this is easy. I've said it before, I don't want easy. I want to walk the talk not just “talk the talk.”
I want to reiterate a few things I said in Part 1 of this series that will apply to the rest of this series.
You can be free from avoidance and the cycle of co-dependency! I want to encourage you to explore co-dependency for yourself using CoDA materials. I will provide a website anyone can use at the end of this blog to begin to explore compliance and it's co-dependent link. I also highly recommend one on one therapy for anyone dealing with issues of abuse of any kind and/or addiction. Most importantly, I want you to know that you already are and have always been loved - his name is Jesus! He sees you as he saw me. He knows you as he knows me. He is not afraid of you past or your present. He does not condemn you, no matter what you have avoided to get love. He did not condemn me. He has set me free and continues to heal me. He can set you free and heal you too! All you have to do is ask. You can talk to him like you talk to a friend – I do everyday. You have nothing else to lose. You have already lost so much love, peace, joy, rest, money, time, and sanity. It is time to be free! It is time to get back everything you have lost.
I want to encourage anyone reading this to reach out if you have questions about CoDA, co-dependency, the cycles if co-dependency, and/or if you want prayer or someone to pray with you. I can be reached at ebillingsley35@gmail.com . I am writing this series to help others and I want to be of service to my readers in this way. I will continue the blog series in the coming weeks with a discussion of the next part of my cycle – Control. Please subscribe to my website to receive blog notifications at www.elizabethbillingsley.com . I also have a Wix app for Wisdom's Words LLC where you can read all of my blogs at http://www.mobileapp.app/to/QED-Ah0?ref=cl
Love,
Elizabeth
*To find out more of Codependents Anonymous and freedom from co-dependency, please go to https://www.coda.org/
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