The Love I Thought I had to Chase and the Truth that Set Me Free

Hello everyone! It has been a bit. Caregiving and life keep me busy these days. I will be carving out time to write blogs and work on my book over the next couple of weeks and months. I want to start today’s writing with some Bible verses before I jump in. These verses will set the stage and help you understand some scripture that appears later in this writing. You will see this piece again as I will also be wrapping this into my third book. Good things come to those who wait! Let us begin!

1^st John 4:18-19 NIV; There is no fear in love. But perfect love (Jesus’ love) drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.

Ephesians 1:4-6 NIV; For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

The “love” I thought “I had to chase” was the biggest lie I have ever told myself. It was the root lie driving all the other ones I have written about over the last few years. This lie brought me so much pain. It has cost me money, time, and a lot of emotional energy. I once walked in a lot of fear because of this lie. Today, I want to tell you how it all started, and I want to tell you where it ended. I want to tell you the Truth now - the Truth that set me free.I was probably 6 years old peddling down our Sumter, SC neighborhood street on my bike thinking about my dad. He was gone again on a work trip. He was gone all the time. As I peddled, I told myself, "He must not want to be with us or he would be here. Maybe he does not love us. Well, maybe I will not ever be loved unless I go after it. I will have to do things to get love then I guess."  It was at that moment that I came into agreement with that thought, whether it was my thought or that of an Enemy. Not only did I agree, but I also made an extremely dangerous vow (little did I know how dangerous at the time). The vow was this: "If I want love, I will have to chase it. I will go after love no matter what because if I don't, I won't ever be loved." Looking back now, I find it interesting how quickly that lie and the vow I made ballooned in my young old brain. It sounded logical at the time, these types of lies always do. This seemingly logical, rather convincing lie and vow would shape my life and relationships for years. It had nothing to do with love and everything to do with fear and punishment.

Yes, I said fear and punishment. Stay with me.

Enter adolescence. I was the smart girl. I was not athletic, which is particularly valued and worshipped in our culture. Our culture also tells girls they cannot be smart and desirable (a lie I will tackle another day). Teenage boys did not flock to me to say the least. To be fair, I had a few good guy friends, but for the most part I did not get much attention from the opposite sex. This rejection reinforced the lie and vow I had internalized: “you will not be loved unless you chase it and chase it however you can get it.”

As an adult, I pursued relationships with equally broken men chasing love. Most of them narcissists and addicts of various kinds including porn and alcohol. My friendships were not much better for most of my adult life. They were bare minimum if I was not chasing them. The lie had programmed me to chase and chase whoever and whatever I could so I would feel loved and accepted. Sadly, most of these people believed the same thing. When these friendships or relationships fell through, I would punish myself. I would overeat causing severe weight gain. I would then over exercise causing severe weight loss. I would overspend trying to fill the whole left by the friendship or relationship. *I married an abusive man. I punished myself with an abusive man for 5 years because I believed that I deserved all him and his toxic behavior. I thought I deserved a lot of toxic behavior and people. I would even go as far as to have two affairs believing that these were the only men I was good for and capable of getting! What a crock of bull hocky! I was miserable! They were miserable! We were all miserable!

During a period of about 10 years I developed a few quality friendships, people who would not only stick with me but tell me the truth. They also prayed for me. I went back to therapy and started dealing with this destructive lie and vow layer by layer. I also cut off all contact with toxic people who were not getting the point. Toxic friends and relationships exited my life without me having to do a thing. I thank God for this. I fell in love with Jesus again – who had never stopped loving me. I fell in love with His Word like never before! He gathered all the parts of myself I had learned to hate over the years and he made me whole. He had loved all those parts of me this whole time. Please do not misunderstand. This has been a process over the last 2-5 years. I have had to look at some tough things in my life, acknowledge them and how hurtful they were to me and others, and deal with them. I have had to look at my own choices and deal with those and do a lot of repenting and attempting to make things right with the people who would let me. This required my participation as well even when it was hard. My prayer is that those who hurt me and those I hurt can come to know the freedom I have found. I forgive them and I have sought forgiveness where I can and where it has been appropriate to do so.

Even with all this progress in my own life, something still felt stuck. I was reading in Romans about 3 weeks ago this week, and it hit be like a lightening bolt. The Word is indeed alive! I did not have to punish myself or other people! I was not guilty anymore! I am not sure before this time that I really believed that or thought it applied to me. Jesus had already taken care of this for me, once and for all! No matter what I had done or lies I had believed! Let me show you!

Romans 3:23-25 NIV; …. for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith.

2 Corinthians 5:19-21 NIV; that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Colossians 1:13-14 NIV; For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

1 Peter 3:18 NIV; For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit.

Romans 8:1-2 NIV; Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

You will notice these verses have confirmed the opening verses. You will find the Bible confirms itself every time. Jesus will confirm himself every time. He is not one person at one time and another person at a different time. He is not a narcissist. He is not an addict. He is not toxic. He does understand our pain and every feeling we have ever felt. He has set me free! He can set you free too! No matter who you have chased or what you have done! If you are an addict, he loves you and he can help you! If you are a narcissist, he loves you and can change you! If you are toxic in any way, His love is for you too and he can change you! There is no condemnation in Jesus Christ! He has finished it! He said so himself on the cross he took for you (John 19:30). You are not guilty if you are in him, and you don’t have to punish yourself or other people for the things you have done!

I call you to freedom today! What are you waiting for? What do you have to lose except the toxic people, the toxic choices, the pain, and misery? Freedom is waiting, take hold of it!

I love you!

With much love and hope,

Elizabeth

*You can read about my story in my book The Road Less Traveled: A Story Love, Pain, Hope, and Everything In Between. Available on Amazon!