It’s pouring the rain outside. The day could not have provided a better demonstration of the illusion of control. I can’t control the rain, when it comes or when it goes, how it falls, or where it falls. I’m not God. How and why did I ever think I was going to control people into loving me? Therein lies the deception of control and co-dependency – the belief that you are a little god. I have been a disaster of a little god. You have been a disaster of a little god. Self-deception is a disaster.
Control (and its pseudo godlike persona) is the “modus operandi” of all co-dependent behavior. In co-dependency, the main objective or motive (mode) of any behavior or thought pattern within relationships is control (many times absolute control) of a situation or person. Control was just not part of the cycle for me, it was a desperate need. I complied with my abusive late husband as well as at least three addicts in a attempt to control them out of their abuse and addiction. I avoided confrontation and dealing with all kinds of issues in my marriage and other relationships to control the people and situations in those relationships. I controlled others because I believed I would not be loved and this terrified me in ways no one will ever truly know. In fact, I believed I would not be loved if I didn’t do things to get love – even things I didn’t want to do or things that went against my value system. Did you note I used the word “terrified?” Where there is much control, there is much fear. I had been afraid since I was five or six years old – such a heavy weight to carry for so long. The cycle of Co-Dependency and fear forged not only a heavy weight (burden) to bear, but soul chains that tethered me to those I so desperately needed to control to get what I perceived as love. We were chained together, yet separate, in *emotional dungeons of our own making - desperately trying to get what we needed from one another – love. We were all deceived as we took our ride on a sick cycle carousel and tended our own dungeons. We sat in darkness needlessly.
I want to break this down a bit further. Co-dependency demands control of significant others in intimate relationships. Abuse and addiction demand control of significant others and enabling behavior from those significant others in intimate relationships. You will almost always find a co-dependent person with an abuser, an addict, or both. I found both. Or rather I should say, we each found one another. An addict and an abuser are always looking for someone to enable their toxic behavior, and someone they can control. The co-dependent person looks to control the addict or abuser by complying, avoiding, controlling, denying, manipulating, and a multitude of other things to get them to stop doing whatever behavior in the relationship is toxic or unwanted. The abuser and addict want a complier and an avoider, as well as a denier, so they can continue to be enabled in their toxic behavior, gaslight, and manipulate the co-dependent person. The co-dependent person will in turn attempt to control and manipulate the abuser or addict to get them to again stop manipulating or gaslighting. The co-dependent person thinks they can control and manipulate the abuser or addict into being healthy, and the addict or abuser thinks they can control, manipulate, and gaslight the co-dependent person into continuing to allow their abuse and other toxic behavior. Talk about a mess! They go around and around on the sick cycle carousel – both desperately wanting love from the other - until one or both decide to get off. A co-dependent will stay tethered to an addict or an abuser, and an addict or an abuser will stay tethered to a co-dependent until one or both decides to exit and give up their emotional dungeons.
I got off the carousel. Once I realized I did not have to do things to get people to love me, I was no longer afraid of what an abuser or addict would think if I did not want to comply with, avoid, or deny their behavior or wishes. Once I realized I was already loved by King Jesus (and always had been), I didn’t hate myself anymore and I became unwilling to accept just any kind of treatment. The cycle of co-dependency and the sick cycle carousel could no longer tether me to those who simply could not love me because they did not love themselves. The addict and the abuser will not find an enabler in me anymore. I do not wish to control them, and they will not control me. I will not be a prisoner in their emotional dungeon or my own. I will not make them a prisoner of mine either. I have yielded my emotional dungeon to Jesus. I no longer need it. Jesus loves me, He does not have any need or desire to control me. I have no need or desire to control anyone else anymore. I am free! I am not responsible for the decisions of my late husband. He is now with the King. I am not responsible for the decisions or lives of the addicts I have entertained in the past, nor can I nor will I drag them from the sick cycle carousel or their dungeons kicking and screaming because they don’t want to go. They must choose to be free and that is my prayer and hope for them. This series is for them as much as it is for me and other people wanting freedom from co-dependency.
To the co-dependent, the addict, and the abuser I implore you - get off your carousel. Give up your emotional dungeon. The Light is shining on you and for you, if you would but look up and see. You can be free! What do you choose?
Matthew 4:16; ….the people who sit in darkness have seen a great light, and on those who sit in the region and shadow of death, a light has dawned.”
Love,
Elizabeth
*An emotional dungeon is a place we use within our souls when we try to control or manipulate someone into loving us or caring for or about us. I will write more on this in a separate blog. I wanted to introduce the term with this series as it ties closely with control in co-dependent cycles. We can not only imprison others emotionally and mentally in our emotional dungeons, we also imprison ourselves.
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