Compliance – it's a complicated word for me. The emotional, mental, and even physical compliance have taken their toll on my body and my life. The word invokes a lot of sadness and anger when I think about just how ridiculously compliant I have been all my life. One of the hardest parts about healing from co-dependency is realizing how far the compliant part of my cycle took me - to places and to people I did not want to be in or with honestly. I always went along with what my late husband or past romantic interests wanted – even if it was not good for me and even if it hurt me. I complied with what my parents wanted – far beyond basic discipline and good advice. I complied with what my church wanted for me as a woman or should I say as a women “should be” – far beyond anything truly spiritual or life giving where relationships were concerned. I complied with friends and their wants and feelings, even if they were not mine. I was always going along to get along. How people thought of me and the fear of rejection played a major role in friendships and romantic relationships for so long. I would say I didn't care what people thought, but honestly I did because I kept complying. I was so good at complying that I have even complied with the requests of porn addicts in the past!
Complying was either going to get me killed or make me very sick! In my abusive marriage, I complied to stay out of the cross-hares. In my other romantic relationships, I complied to be wanted and loved. Compliance softened the love for sex trade, yet it didn't soften the pain this has caused me. The strange thing about compliance in any relationship is that it is usually tied to control in some form or fashion. You are simply complying to subtly get someone to do something you want them to do – usually something they have no intention of doing or don't know how to do. This was particularly true in many of my romantic relationships. I was complying to the get men to love me. I was complying with porn addicts to get them to love me. Let that sink in. I had to let that sink in. It was not a pleasant revelation. No addict loves well. They can't love themselves much less someone else. Co-dependent people like myself have tried all our lives to love (and comply) the mess out of broken addicts and monsters. It can't be done.
If you read my intro blog to this series, I identified the lie I had believed that brought co-dependency and the need for compliance into my life in the first place. I want to repeat the lie here for those who are just now catching up. I believe many who will read in the coming days and months this have believed the same lie told in different ways. I am going to expound on it a bit as I've been learning more about my early childhood beliefs:
“Well, your dad isn't around much so he must not love you. You will never be loved if your dad doesn't love you. You will never be loved so, you will have to do things to get love (even if you don't want to do them)."
I can still remember thinking this while peddling my Hot-wheels trike down the street in front of my house as a 6 year old child. My father worked for the US govt and the trips he took for them paid our bills. A 6 year old does not necessarily understand this no matter how hard her mother tries to explain it. My 6 year old brain decided (vowed actually) that I would have to do things to get people to love me. I started complying at 6 and my complying didn't stop until 2024. Forty-one years of complying people - that is 41 years too damn long! I can honestly tell you that compliance never got any of the addicts, monsters, nor men who didn't want to love me to love me, They just kept being addicts, monsters, and men who didn't love me. And the lie I believed at age 6? It was crock of s*** lie! Whether you are reading this and believe it or not, we do have an enemy of our soul. He will take the thoughts of a child (as he did mine about my father) and twist them into something so seemingly logical and neat that it will cripple that child emotionally, mentally, and spiritually for many years. Read the lie I believed again. Neat and somewhat logical isn't it? It seems like it might even make sense. It may even sound familiar to some of you. I will say it again, it is a crock of s*** lie! You are, can, and will be loved despite the physical or emotional absence of a parent! You don't have to comply with addicts, monsters, and people who do not love you in order to be loved! You can be free from compliance and the cycle of co-dependency! I want to encourage you to explore co-dependency for yourself using CoDA materials. I will provide a website anyone can use at the end of this blog to begin to explore compliance and it's co-dependent link. I also highly recommend one on one therapy for anyone dealing with issues of abuse of any kind and/or addiction. Most importantly, I want you to know that you already are and have always been loved - his name is Jesus! He sees you as he saw me. He knows you as he knows me. He is not afraid of you past or your present. He does not condemn you, no matter what you have done to comply to get love. He did not condemn me. He has set me free and continues to heal me. He can set you free and heal you too! All you have to do is ask. You can talk to him like you talk to a friend – I do everyday. You have nothing else to lose. You have already lost so much love, peace, joy, rest, money, time, and sanity. It is time to be free! It is time to get back everything you have lost.
I want to encourage anyone reading this to reach out if you have questions about CoDA, co-dependency, the cycles if co-dependency, and/or if you want prayer or someone to pray with you. I can be reached at ebillingsley35@gmail.com I am writing this series to help others and I want to be of service to my readers in this way. I will continue the blog series in the coming weeks with a discussion of the next part of my cycle – Avoidance. Please subscribe to my website website to receive blog notifications at www.elizabethbillingsley.com . I also have a Wix app for Wisdom's Words LLC where you can read all of my blogs at .http://www.mobileapp.app/to/QED-Ah0?ref=cl
Love,
Elizabeth
*To find out more of Codependents Anonymous and freedom from co-dependency, please go to https://coda.org/
コメント