**4/30/2022: Since writing this blog back in December 2021, I have come into more divine Truth about root lies in my life and more revelation about myself and God's plan for me and my future. I am in a totally different place. You may find writings after December to reflect a different tone and heart change in regards to relationships and my identity. I invite you to compare such writings over the course of my blogging so you can see where I've come from and where I'm going. His healing power never ceases to amaze me!
Hello everyone! I have to admit it was hard to decide between the three topics that I Jesus gave me over the past two weeks. I kept coming back to Revelations of the Heart because I think that this will resonate with many women and even with men. I ask you to read this with an open heart and mind.
Ladies and gents, I don't know about you, but I've had some triggers in my heart and life these last several years. Jesus has been dealing with those the last few weeks and it has been eye opening and freeing. Triggers, in case you are wondering, are those things that take us back to hurt or pain we've experience. That hurt or pain can be from another person or situation and the trigger can be a physical sensation, a word or saying, an emotion, or all four. You can be in a place of healing and still experience triggers because those places in your heart have not been healed quite yet. I can say without any doubt that letting the King have those raw places and heal them is the best thing you can do for yourself. When you are ready to listen, He will be ready to tell you what is going on inside your head and heart. He will also show you the truth and the truth set you free from said triggers. Triggers are not supposed to be with us forever. They are not meant to be crutches. They are not helpful in the long run. They keep us stuck in our past and they keep us tied to someone or something that should never have control over us. Stay with me.
For me, the triggers were words used in particular context and what those words related to –marriage, leadership, and men. Now I know that sounds loaded so bear with me. I'm going to break down exactly what was triggering me and how Jesus has been dealing with those things. He really is the best counselor and teacher of self there ever was, has been, or will be! Here we go!
Let’s start with those trigger words and phrases. Trigger words when used together: marriage, leaderships, men. Trigger phrases: “I’ll take the lead.” “Darling, let me take the lead.” “You fight for me.” He will fight for me.” “Men are designed to protect.” “If he loves you, he will protect you.”
A month ago, these words and phrases made me cringe. Three or so years ago, I would not
even engage in a lot of conversation about them. I mostly just wanted to scream when I heard them and tell people they weren’t true. I can say I have been healing slowly over time from my abusive marriage, among the other things related to identity. However, I still had these triggers and I did not why. I was ready to know why. Now let me clear before I go any further with this blog. I want you to know that I believe women can lead, protect, and fight for others including their husbands. Look at the lion and lioness if you don’t believe me. These are not a just “men’s jobs.” The point of my searching was to get to the bottom of my triggers so I can move into the next phase of my life. Ladies and gents, you can’t believe such things if you are to ever have a healthy relationship where you both lead, protect, fight for one another, and share your lives and dreams, much less raise a new generation. I want my triggers healed so I don’t teach wrong patterns of thinking to my children. Triggers are built on lies and lies only take life, they never give it.
Back to my triggers. I was getting ready for work about two weeks ago. A song came on from my playlist by GAWVI, called Trapchata. It is a beautiful song about love. I should have been enjoying the song. But what am I doing? I hear him say, “I’ll lead you…” and my train of thought went off in whirlwind and I stopped the song and I stopped putting on my makeup. My brain began its tirade of fast-moving thoughts about men leading and not leading well, being this and being that, the state of male/female relationships in the church….and on and on (do you see how this is not helpful?) “All of this over one line?”, I thought. I stopped my raging thoughts and took a deep breath. And this wasn’t the first time. This had been my pattern with these trigger words and phrases for at least 7 years. The good thing is I have been learning (with Jesus’ help) how to stop thoughts that just seem to take over without warning. I just stopped and quieted my mind. This ability to stop the tirade has been a long time coming. I stopped and I asked Jesus a few questions, “Why does this trigger me? Why do all of these words and phrases trigger me? What is at the root of these things? Am I believing something that is not true?” It was is time to get to the bottom of this.” I was tired of the tirade. How many of you are tired of the tirade? Think on that. Stay with me!
When you ask Jesus, He’s going to answer so be prepared for the truth; a truth that will actually set you free. He may not answer immediately or He might. He might answer through that still small voice (that never yells at us or condemns us), someone else, a book, the Bible, or through some other means. For me that day, He kept it simple because I was ready to hear it. He pointed me back to my abusive marriage and he asked me a simple question “How have those things (whether in word or deed) been used against you as weapons, not as love?” The Epiphany one simple question can bring! It clicked ladies and gentlemen! I knew why those words and phrases triggered me! Hidden pain is subtle, and the lies and triggers that go with it. Allow me to elaborate.
“He will fight for me.” The problem is he hadn’t. My late husband fought against me and with me. No wonder I didn’t believe another man would fight for me. In my abusive marriage this had been used as a weapon. This had been weaponized into two lies, “he will fight against you and for himself” and “you are not worth fighting for.” No wonder I was triggered for so long! This was a blatant attack on my identity.
“Let me lead you…” The problem is he hadn’t and he refused to be lead as well. My late
husband used “leading” as a weapon to abuse, put down, and miss-use scripture. He did not
trust me at all nor did he trust me to lead in areas I had strengths. This had been weaponized into two lies, “you aren’t capable of leading” and “he who leads only seeks to destroy and abuse you like your husband does so you can’t trust any man every again to lead in any area, not ever again.” A warning, anytime you have a voice telling you that you are incapable or issuing you absolutes, check the source.
“Men are designed to protect you.” “If he loves you, he will protect you.” The problem is he
hadn’t. My late husband used abuse, manipulation, and control to create a very unstable, unsafe home environment physically, emotionally and mentally. He did not honestly know what protection in love was, no one had protected him from his abusive father growing up. He did not know how to protect and he did not know how to love. This idea of “protection” in the sense he used it had been weaponized into two lies: “you are not worth protecting” and “No one can protect you because you are not loveable.” Again, a blatant attack on my identity.
Here’s a bonus lie I believed, the worst of all (and someone reading this has this same thought in their head): “You are not loveable and everything you love dies.” Double whammy! I won’t lie, it felt that way too, like a punch to the gut. The Evil One likes to tell lies in pairs or groups of what I will call “thought seeds.” These seeds, seed one another, and then grow together into roots that bury themselves at varying levels within the human heart as we dwell on them. They are designed to make us feel worthless and to keep us focused on the “bad self” that we supposedly are to everyone around us. They are designed to steal identity, peace, joy, and ultimately love. Did you notice these lies are all interrelated in some way? Did you notice the double whammy lie was the origin of all the others lies previously discussed? Back track this blog if you don’t believe me. The Evil One loves to build his root system in our unsuspecting hearts, yet he is not as clever as he’d like you to think. I call him the liar that he is, for there is no truth in him (John 8:44b, paraphrased).
With all that said, are you ready for some good news? Stay with me!
The good news is that Jesus showed me all the lies I’d believed! He took them one at a time,
until all the roots were plucked out. He has done a major overhaul in my heart twice so far, this year (these last two weeks) and last year! He doesn’t leave gaping painful holes in our hearts. He replaces the rot and death of lies with love and truth. He reminds us who and Whose we are! He reminded me I was His Warrior Princess, armed and dangerous to the Evil One. He reminded of my worth as His daughter. He reminded me who He sees everyday when He looks at me. And do you know what else He did for me? He gave me a very good idea of what the character of a man after His own heart looks like in this world. I want to share that with you all now because the time has come for women to embrace who they are in Him and not settle for anything less in themselves or men! Men, I want you to see all that you can be and all Jesus wants for you! American masculinity has sold you short and put so much stress on you. You are His sons and you are more than culture says you are!
A man after the heart of Jesus (as given to me in entirety on 7/13/2021):
“You will marry a man full of compassion. A man who can be gentle and also a warrior, a man like Me (Jesus). A man who can lead and follow. A man who fights for you, not against you. A man who will protect you and love you for you, ALL of you and your purpose, not just your female anatomy. A man who is a safe place for you. He will not ask you to enter into sin. He will have a health understanding of sexuality and intimacy. Men are supposed to be more than they think and not exactly like their culture says they should be.”
And this ladies and gentleman, set me free! This is for someone reading this right now as well. Be free! Be free of the lies you have believed and take back your life! You are more than this culture says you are! You are not who that person said you are! You are not who that situation or circumstance said you are! Triggers don’t have to be a part of your life for the rest of your life! Triggers die when the light of Jesus’ love suffocates the lies.
I will ask you again, are you tired of the tirade? Are you tired of being tired? Are you sick of not knowing who you are? Are you sick of being triggered? Come to the King! He loves you just as much as He loves me. He is no respecter of persons. He is not afraid of your past or your sin. He is not afraid of what you did or did not do. He is not afraid of where you are now. Come as you are. He already knows you and loves you anyway. He knew you before you ever came to this earth and He has great purpose for you as He does for me. Cast your cares and your triggers on Him, because he cares for you already (1 Peter 5:7; paraphrased). Be free my friends once and for all! Be free! He who the Son sets free, is free indeed (John
Isaiah 61:1-4; AMPC (Amplified Classic translation, www.BibleGateway.com)
1 “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound, 2b To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] [a] to comfort all who mourn, 3 To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion—to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit—that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
4 And they shall rebuild the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former desolations and renew the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.”