Hello everyone from Washington DC! It was a perfect day yesterday for a stroll down Connecticut Avenue. I am enjoying my short time here. God is good!!
Today, I will highlight my old blog about difficult conversations, part 1 today and part 2 tomorow. As before, you will read the old blog first and then I will provide my new insight. If this can save anyone heartache or change anyone's mind about the way they behave toward their spouse, I've kept someone from hurting someone else or being hurt themselves. I've done what was right and that is all that matters.
Difficult Conversations: Talking to Your Spouse When They Are Angry
Difficult conversations with your husband-to-be are in fact just that, difficult. They aren’t fun and usually are not happy topics. However, they will strengthen your trust in each other and your relationship as a whole. If you can have the difficult conversations, no matter the subject, then you can talk about anything and I do mean anything. Difficult conversations require us to go deeper than just superficial conversation, they require us to give something of ourselves and take a risk. Who better to take a risk with than the one person in this world who you most love-your fiancé and future mate? Aside from the Lord, your future mate is the one person who should know your heart. He should know your fears, your doubts and your shortcomings and you should know his. Difficult conversations allow us to see our own individual faults as well as help our future mate and show him how he can help us.
Anger can make a conversation very tense and uncomfortable for both of you. You may want to say things that you both might regret and yet at the same time your emotions are very raw. There may also be other influencing factors, such as strong opinions or failure to stick to an agreed plan. Let me give you an example. My fiancé and I had agreed to handle a situation in our family life a certain way. One bright Sunday afternoon, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I threw that plan down the drain. Needless to say he was very unhappy with me and I don’t blame him-he was hurt and angry. The conversation that followed was very difficult for both of us but it was well worth it. I learned something about myself and I learned how one little decision can and do affect him, not just me. I asked his forgiveness and we prayed. Not only did we have the necessary conversation to deal with that issue, we didn’t stay angry or upset with one another all day and into the next day. We talked until we had worked it through.
Ephesians 4:26-27 says: “In your anger do not sin; Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold”. In other words, you can have a difficult conversation when you’re angry but don’t stay angry. Talk to one another until you have worked the issue completely out. Learn from your mistake and move on with new knowledge of how to do things better. My lesson from that conversation was stick with the plan and don’t go off down your own rabbit trail (i.e. emotional whim). In other words be in agreement with one another and stick to it!
I can promise you this, difficult conversations will not be pleasant and they won’t make you happy but they will take your relationship to a depth that you will both appreciate. I can also say from experience that having the difficult conversations now can help you and your fiancé avoid potential trouble in the future.
Stay tuned for Part 2! Have a wonderful week!🙂
My new insight in 2016:
First, let me tell you why I wrote this blog. Jeff was not getting along with my brother and sister-in-law (warning, warning!). We were meeting everyone for dinner and he wanted us to interact with them as little as possible. Why I agreed to such an arrangement is beyond me at this point. I should have been looking more at why he did not get along with them. Huge lesson learned.
I decided to hold my niece at lunch the day we were meeting them. He got very angry it turned out over me holding my niece. My brother and sis-in-law had no issue with this. After we left, the "difficult conversation" started. It was actually a verbal berating with lots of Christianese that lasted two hours at his house because he would not let me leave (Elizabeth what were you thinking letting a man basically hold you hostage for two hours!). Ladies and gentlemen, that was your "difficult conversation" and I wrote the original blog to try and make some sense of it. To make peace where there wasn't going to be peace in the end. I was forever being a peacemaker and it was always "my fault." I know now this was a lie.
A loving relationship doesn't hold someone "hostage" to "talk to them or berate them. A loving relationship is not abusive in any way. Do people get angry at one another sometimes? Yes, however, that anger should never be used to hurt a person emotionally, mentally or physically. Jeff used anger to feel powerful and hurt others, as I'm sure he had seen modeled at home as a child. He never learned he could do life differently, and that is the sad part of all if this.
Pay attention to what people say to you and why they get angry with you. Are they trying to control you? Have you done anything to legitimately hurt them or yourself?
If you are the one getting angry all the time, find out why. There is nothing down that road for you but heartache.
Ephesians 4:26-27 is still true and I still live by that principle. I ask that you be wary of anyone who twists that principle for their own gain. If you are the one doing the twisting, ask yourself some hard questions.
I will leave you with a verse from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8;
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
And this ladies and gentlemen is love.
Until next time,