Hello everyone! My epiphanies come at the strangest times. I may be driving, showering, working, relaxing, painting, or simply sitting with my thoughts. It's as if my brain says, “okay, now it's time for this (issue, truth, reason, etc.) to come to your full conscious mind.” I am thankful my brain works this way because I can't deny the problem at that point (although I have run from my problems plenty of times). All of that said, on Monday 4/29/2024, I realized I had been performing for most everyone, most of my life. What do I mean when I say “performing for most of my life?” I mean I was doing things to get people to like, love, want, or accept me or doing them because I thought I had to in order to be loved, liked, wanted and accepted. I was both manipulating people and being manipulated. Some of those people would have stopped me from performing if I had told them why I was doing it – my parents, good, honest friends, mentors. Others I believe required a performance of me and enjoyed it. My performance benefited them and/or it got them what they wanted from me.
I want to avoid any confusion or misunderstanding so allow me to clarify - I am not talking about my day to day job that pays my bills. Jobs are set up based on performance and how well you choose to do your job, that is a fact of life. I am talking about the performing we do in our relationships, friendships, and family dynamics. We may do said performing to survive, be loved, liked, wanted, feel accepted, or all of those things. I am talking about doing things we don't want to do or are harmful to us to please or keep the peace with someone we have no business being involved with nor keeping the peace with in any given situation. How many of us are performing or have performed like this in our lives and we don't or didn't even know it? How many of us know it but don't know what to do about it? How many of us know it and think that if we just perform enough, please them enough, keep the peace with them enough, or love them enough – they will love us, like us, accept us, and want us?
In answer to the last question I posed, you can't perform enough to get anyone to love, like, accept, or want you when they are incapable of doing so or simply do not want to do any of those things where you are concerned. Those of you who are performing for such a person know I am telling you the truth. You have been lying to yourself for a long time. I know you have been because I did as well. You can perform to survive, but even that will only last so long and it will take its toll on you and anyone else you hold dear. In other words, you are hitting your head against the proverbial wall. You are running in circles. You are on a dysfunctional merry-go-round. You will destroy your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health performing to get people to love, like, accept, and want you. I did for 25 years, believe me. It is a dead end. It is a destructive path. This is bitter medicine to swallow. Without the bitter medicine, we can't and won't heal.
The time has come for me to be who I am. The time has come for you to be who you are. We may not be for everyone and that is okay. Not everyone will like, love, want, or accept us and that is okay. In order to stop the never-ending performance, you have to get to where you love yourself enough to say to those who are enjoying and quite frankly encouraging and requiring your performance, “I am done trying to be who you want me to be. I am done trying to please you and fix problems I didn't create. I am going to be who I was made to be. If that is a problem for you, here is the door.” Oh my friends they will not like this! They will most likely give you hell about it and that is okay! They will pout and they will stew! They may even try to make you feel guilty, gaslight or manipulate you. Let them spin around in their confusion without your presence or performance. You don't have to perform for them anymore in order to keep the peace or please them. No one person can be peace for anyone else except Jesus Christ and none of us, including myself, identify as Jesus Christ. There is no pleasing them and you know this to be true. Let them be responsible for their own peace. Your performance for them keeps you attached to their drama, mess, and in some cases, their abuse. This is not abundant life – this is life in survival mode. I'm not living in survival mode anymore. I want better for you too! Let them be responsible for dealing with their life, their decisions, the problems they have caused, and said consequences. May they repent for their own sake! I want us all to understand that repentant people don't expect others to solve their problems for them, keep them emotionally regulated, or treat others (and you) like garbage when it suits them.
I am done performing! I am done pleasing people. I am not a victim of anyone else's problems or issues. I am going to be myself and be who I was created to be. I am going to live out my purpose. I am going to love as many people as will let me (yes people choose to be loved or they don't- it really is that simple). I am going to invite as many people on this journey as want to come. I know not everyone can come along - their purpose and path is different and I applaud that for them. I also know not everyone wants to come along. I am almost 50 years old, and I am finally okay with those who don't want to come along. They aren't for me and aren't meant for me. It's not personal, there is no animosity or ill will, it just is. I pray for them more than they know. I wish them the best in life. I truly hope they choose repentance and wholeness, AND they are not my responsibility. I can't save or fix them, and I am finally okay with those two facts for the first time in my life. Oh the freedom!
My dear friends, perform no more and be free!
Finished with her performance,
Elizabeth