This is a different subject yet a very important one regarding responsibility and unhealthy patterns. I will start with my old blog.
One of the most important lessons I have learned is my fiancé doesn’t need another mom. He doesn’t need someone to correct or admonish him when he doesn’t do something quite right. He already knows when he’s messed up or not doing things up to his expectations. He doesn’t need me to tell him. When I realized how hurtful that was to him, I was very sad. What he needs from me and what your fiancé needs from you ladies is encouragement and help. He needs you to lift him up when things aren’t going so well. He needs to know that you will be there to help him when life isn’t going like he would like it to. Remember, like I have learned, you never know what he may be going through or what he’s been doing while you are not around- even after you marry. One thing I’ve learned-if I’m not around to know what’s going on or I don’t know the whole story, should I really say anything? Is that really fair to him?
The answer to that question is a big resounding No!! Ladies he needs a friend, a confidant, a companion, after marriage a lover, and your support no matter what. He doesn’t need a mom! Ladies I’m not saying walk on eggshells or don’t have an opinion but be mindful of when you say things and be sure you know the whole story before you say anything. This will save you both a lot of time and frustration.
Ladies speak words of encouragement and life to your fiancé above all else. “For life and death are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Proverbs 18:21. He will respond so much better to encouragement and life-giving words just like you would, then he would criticism and “motherly jabs.”
Until next time,
My insight in 2016:
I will reiterate the title of this blog again. No, a man doesn't need a mom or a nag, however, he doesn't get to skip out on his responsibilities toward you or his family either. Any criticism should be loving and constructive and point out the best in a man yet also present a solution once a problem is named. Criticism should never be used by either party to hurt, belittle or tear down their partner. Couples can ask questions to understand one another or about a situation that is going on with their partner. This is normal communication. If someone gets angry when you ask questions, something is wrong.
Jeff didn't like questions. He also, frankly, had a problem with responsibility he did not want to acknowledge. This blog came at a time when I had questions and concerns, I had asked them the best way I knew how and articulated my concerns as best I could. He would not help me understand. In fact I was belittled or told I was basically stupid on more than one occasion when I had concerns or questions. Once again, I wrote the blog to try and make things seem okay and to make sense of things. I did have to walk on eggshells at times. This got worse the longer the marriage continued.
I will not walk on eggshells again in a relationship and I will ask questions and relay concerns respectfully as I have them. I will be a friend and I would like a friend in return. I will be supportive but I will not allow irresponsibility to affect me or cause damage to our home or family.
My hope in "coming clean" with these blogs is to show my readers that there are things that one does not have to put up with in relationships. There are people we should be aware of. There are people who are incapable of doing what it right by you for many reasons. There are people who will not put in the effort to fix a relationship, look at themselves or even let God work on them.
There is right way and a wrong way to do relationships. My hope is you will choose the right person and do the relationship the right way. My hope is you will not allow evil to prevail in your relationships but will instead have healthy boundaries and run after the good - even if that means ending an unhealthy relationship. Some things must be deal breakers.
I hope you have found these retrospective blogs helpful. I have a few more to look through so don't be surprised if you see more.
Until next time,