Hello everyone! I wanted to diverge from my series to cover a topic that ties closely to co-dependent cycles. In fact, you can’t have a co-dependent cycle without the tending of an emotional dungeon. Emotional Dungeons are a co-dependent’s prison – a prison you can’t see but a self-inflicted prison all the same. I want to spend the next few pages describing such a prison. I also want to offer hope to you. A way of escape has been provided. Freedom is available to you. You can leave this prison behind for good. No more tending your chains (or someone else’s). No more fear. Let’s dive in! There is no time like the present!
What Are Emotional Dungeons?
Emotional Dungeons are the places in our hearts we imprison ourselves or others through control, manipulation, fear, rage, anger, addiction, or abuse. We have deep wounds (abandonment, abuse, neglect, trauma) and our hearts are hardened by those wounds. We close the heavy iron door of our heart to love. We won’t let go of our pain. Who or what we have not let go becomes a ball and chain. Our fear, pain, and control are our other heavy chains - so heavy we can’t live or move as we would wish. So, there we sit, holding firmly onto our chains behind the iron door of our closed heart. We think if we can control, manipulate, manage, perform, feed our addiction, abuse as we were abused, and/or rage that we will be able to handle our chains, manage other people, heal our deep wounds, and escape our hardened, cold, iron heart. Yet the chains tighten and grow heavier. We clutch them as if they were precious pearls, unwilling to let go. We are now in survival mode. None of our manipulation, control, fear, anger, rage, addiction, or abuse work for us. People can’t be controlled. Control is an illusion. People don't want to be managed, they want to be loved. You can’t (nor could you ever) make someone love you who can’t (or wouldn’t) do so. We can’t get any closer to the iron door of our heart no matter how hard we rage. We refuse to let go of our chains. The cold, suffocating darkness of this self-inflicted dungeon is more than we can bear. Those we manipulate and control become more and more estranged from us. Our addictions drive us from people. not too them. Our fear becomes their fear. Our rage and anger are now their anger and rage. Our abuse kills them and any love they have for us slowly, day by day. We are exhausted emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. We are broken, bruised, and bloodied from carrying our chains. We have broken, bruised, and bloodied those we love with those same chains each time they come near. Death would be a welcome relief because we know this is not living.
We sit in darkness, longing for joy, strength, and light. We look at the chains we hold wondering if we will ever have the strength to let them go. We wonder if we will ever have strength again for anything at all, even to live. This dungeon is miserable, yet it is familiar. Our control, manipulation, fear, rage, anger, addiction, and abuse are familiar, but they are neither safe nor life-giving. They are killing us just as they are killing the ones we love. We sit in a darkness of our own making. We tend our chains and our wounds. We refuse to let go! We may choose to sit in this self-made dungeon for years – I did. We distract ourselves from the pain of our chains and our broken hearts with addictions and busyness. We tend to surround ourselves with other people sitting in their dungeons as well because misery loves company. I can’t tell you the number of miserable people I have let have the front row in my life just so I could have “some company.” This is dysfunctional and dangerous because many of the people sitting in their self-inflicted dungeons have completely lost themselves – they don’t have a clue who they are anymore, or they never did to begin with. They want other dungeon dwellers to help them manage their lives, not because they can’t, they simply don’t choose to manage their lives. You end up with two dungeons dwellers going around in circles who don’t know how to value each other, nor can they help one another find freedom. They go around and around, twisting themselves up in their chains that they refuse to let go of, making each other all kinds of miserable.
And so co-dependent cycles, addictions, abuse, and chain dragging go on until…...
King Jesus calls your name.
When He calls your name, it shakes you to the core of your being. There is no fear, only awe and anticipation. You notice little streams of light coming into your self- made dungeon. He stands at the iron door of your heart knocking, still calling your name. You look around and you are twisted up in your chains so tight you can barely move. How will you get to the door? You are going to have to let go of something so you can move! You let go of one ball and chain (fear) and you find you can move toward the door a bit. You let go of another ball and chain (control) and another one (anger). You take a chance on letting go of the ball and chain of addiction, just to get to the door. You feel so much lighter! Finally, you are at the door where He continues to knock. You open the door slowly, waiting for the King to see your face.
He doesn’t just casually walk in; He is everywhere all at once. Your heart is covered in warm light! His kind voice is the only voice you hear, and His kind face is the only face you can see. (This was my experience!) Everything and everyone else doesn’t matter to you in that moment. You are safe in the presence of the King. You who sit (or were) in darkness have seen a great Light, on those in the shadow of death, a Light has dawned! (Matthew 4:16 paraphrased) You let go! You look around you. Your chains and everything tying you to them are on the ground – the lies, the pain, the sins of others, your anger, fear, bitterness, resentment, and control. Nothing is attached to you any longer. The King is now between you and the door. That iron door that was the door to your heart is standing wide open and Light is everywhere! He reaches out to take your hand gently and says ever so kindly, “Follow me.” You notice as you leave your chains behind and walk through the door of your heart that the door is no longer made of iron but of beautiful wood. He begins to transform your heart, to heal your broken body and soul wounds! He has become your Light in the dark! (Micah 7:8) He has called you out of your dungeon’s darkness into His Marvelous Light (1 Peter 2:9 paraphrased). He did this because you made the choice to let go! He did this because He truly can and does love you! You were never beyond hope!
To every Co-Dependent person reading this right now, whether you believe anything about my experience or not, you will never be free of your emotional dungeon until you let go of your chains and realize you are going around and around in a nasty cycle. You must let go of the pain, the wounds, the anger, the bitterness, the resentment, the lies, control, fear, the people who either couldn’t or wouldn’t love you – all of it! Please do something different; what you are doing (your co-dependent cycle) isn’t working for you or anyone else. Please stop the insane hamster wheel! Stop kidding yourself! You will never be free and learn to live in joy if you do not let go! You will never get out of your cycle if you do not let go! Along with spiritual growth and healing, go to therapy. Ask hard questions of yourself and others. Choose to listen to and act on truth, even if it hurts. Choose friends and relationships wisely; not everyone who pops up in your life (or in your DMs on social media) is good for you nor do they have your best interests at heart. Listen to your body. There is no time like the present to be free! Choose healing! Choose life! Choose to walk in the Light!
Deuteronomy 11:26 ESV; Today I am giving you a choice. You may choose the blessing (life to the full) or the curse (death – spiritual, emotional, mental, and even physical).
Isaiah 61:1b NIV (emphasis my own); “He has sent Me (Jesus the King) to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives (in our own captivity), and release from darkness for the prisoners…” (in the dungeons of our own making)
What do you choose for you today?
With much love,
Elizabeth
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