Hello everyone! This may sound very strange, but I am excited to take you through this new blog series! I recently admitted to myself that I needed some help with co-dependency beyond individual therapy. Although I had recognized co-dependency's role in my life, I had just begun to scratch the surface of the role it had played in relationships, finances, addictions, and life decisions to this point. With this in mind, I joined *CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) on August 20th, 2024 and went to my first meeting. I had some ladies from my last therapy group who had been lovingly persistent and for their persistence I am thankful. I have since jumped in with both feet and have started to process what I have always known to be true – I have been in a cycle of co-dependency for over 25 years. The not-so-funny thing is a sweet friend of mine tried to get me to consider co-dependency as the problem 16 years ago. “I couldn't be co-dependent”, I told her, “I've pretty much got my life together.” I couldn't have been more wrong! I did not have my life together. I did not have my finances together nor did I understand how much co-dependency and its accompanying cycles had affected me most of my life. I am ready now to end this sick cycle - to end it for good. Now is the time to build fulfilling, functional, honest, health, loving, and safe relationships. Now is time to get my finances in good order. Now is time to (finally) get my life in order.
The Role of Depression in Co-Dependency
I have been depressed since June. In the interest of transparency and vulnerability, I have been depressed off and on most of my life. Why you may ask? The recent health changes with mom is one reason at the present time. A diagnosis of Parkinson's is a road neither she nor I have yet to walk out completely. However, this was not the only reason for my depression, and deep down inside, I knew that too. In fact, the present health situation with my mother can't explain why I have struggled with bouts of depression all of my life. Something else was going on in my head and heart. I wanted to find out why l had been unable to shake depression.
About two weeks ago the revelation hit me on my couch. I cried – out of both relief and anger. I had spent most of that day thinking about life and talking to God about some decisions I needed to make. I had also been reviewing some of the hallmarks of co-dependency, a struggle I am overcoming one day at a time. I realized I had been trying to prove my value and worth, including that I was lovable for most of my life to people who either couldn't or wouldn't see me. This is viscous cycle because you fall all over yourself trying to prove you are valuable, worthy, and lovable only for it not to work because those you are trying to “prove yourself” to can't or won't see it at all. You do things you don't want to do. You say things you don't want to say. You even become things you don't want to become. You do everything you can to please these people (even things you should not do, don't want to do, or that may hurt you) and yet still, they don't see you nor do they love you. No wonder I hid behind fat! No wonder my diet and health has been one continuous yo yo. No wonder many of my romantic relationships including my marriage have been so turbulent and unsuccessful! This is enough to depress anyone! No wonder I have battled depression since I was 25 years old! The root of my depression was my incessant need to prove myself to people who were never going to see me (this is a hallmark of co-dependency by the way). They were never going to see my value or worth, nor be able to love me well. Talk about a waste of time and emotional energy! Wasted time and spent emotional energy on people and things who can't and won't see or love us is prime fuel for depression. I kept thinking to myself, “you over ate for that?”, “you got up over 220 lbs for that?”, “you wasted precious time you won't get back for them?” , “you did or said that for them?” The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I didn't want revenge. I simply realized it was time for this sick-cycle carousel to end. I no longer had to prove my value, my worth, nor that I was lovable to anyone. They would either see me or they would not see me, and I refused to spend anymore time or emotional energy falling all over myself to get them to see me. Something snapped on the inside, both in my head and heart. I wanted to know why I felt this need to prove myself. I would find my answer in CODA's Recovery Patterns of Co-Dependence on the first night of my group meeting. My life has not been the same sense.
An Introduction to the Cycle of Compliance – Avoidance – Control
A word to readers at this point – you may find this triggering if you have not dealt with your own co-dependent tendencies or behaviors. I would highly encourage anyone who finds themselves in this place to seek out professional therapy or a CODA group where you live. This type of emotional work is both hard and well worth it for you and your family.
I'd like to start with a few definitions for clarity.
Compliance is: the action or fact of complying with a wish or command, or unworthy or excessive acquiescence For our purposes, doing what someone else wants to the extreme with blatant disregard for your needs, wants, desires, and/or safety.
Avoidance is: the act or practice of keeping away from or withdrawing from something undesirable. For our purposes, to avoid negative feelings such as anger or rejection.
Control is: to maintain influence or authority over something or someone. For our purposes, in the negative – to control or attempt to control a person.
Let me summarize what a Compliant – Avoidant – Controlling Co-Dependent does to themselves and other people: this person does what another person (usually a predatory individual) wants them to do (comply), whether it is healthy or not; to avoid rejection and anger from the person expecting compliance (the predator). By doing what that person (the predator) wants them to do and avoiding the predator's rejection and/or anger, the co-dependent person is also controlling the predator by doing what they want (complying), so that the co-dependent person can get what they want from said predator (e.g., love, security, money, a roof over their head, etc.) This cycle in a co-dependent person is usually driven by a deep seeded fear, lie, or need (predators have a nose for this type of thing). In my case, it was love. I realized I had a fear of never being loved. This was also a lie I believed: you will never be loved. I was a prime target for predatory relationships throughout my life.
So what did I do in this cycle of co-dependence?
I set about to “prove myself”, as well as focus on “healing other people” for most of my life by doing what they wanted (compliance), and/or being what they needed (compliance and control); as well as denying who I was and my real feelings about many things to avoid their anger and rejection. When this didn't work, and it never does; you are left alone, empty, and with very low self-esteem. You have been preyed upon and taken advantage of because predators look for co-dependent people to take care of them and their emotional baggage. I was never going to be loved by those I tried to control, or those I complied with to meet their needs. I was never going to be safe with them. Control is never safe nor secure. Control is an illusion.. Compliance is dangerous. Avoidance is just another form of denial that keeps us from being who we truly are and who were created to be.
The truth: you can never control, manipulate, deny or avoid, nor comply enough to get anyone to do anything they don't want to do. You will fall over yourself and wear yourself out trying. You may also put yourself in great danger. Trust me, I have. In all of this I've never given myself a chance to love and be loved. I've been to busy stuck in my cycle trying to comply, avoid, and control. It is time for me to let go! It is time for me to be still! This may also mean letting people go. This cycle has taken too much from me already and so have the predatory people who love them some co-dependence! I will be a compliant-avoidant-controller no more! I will no longer answer to that name or to that dysfunction.
My goal over the next few weeks and months is to take readers through each part of the cycle to show you how destructive these behaviors are for anyone. I will provide some personal examples from my own life that I hope will be helpful and probably a bit uncomfortable too.
I will end this series with hope, as I always do, because there is hope. You will see this statement again: You can have fulfilling, functional, healthy, honest, loving and safe relationships where you aren't falling all over yourself in order for your needs, wants, and desires to be met. You can be loved well. You will not have to chase people who love you well. You can be protected. You can have good friends and companions. You can be healed! You can recover! Let's get to it!
Love,
Elizabeth
*For additional information on Co-Dependent's Anonymous (CODA) Groups go to: https://www.CoDA.org
For the Patterns of Recovery go to: https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-of-recovery/
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